A Summary of Dr. Harold Sala’s book,“When Friends Ask for Help”
I recently read, “When Friends Ask for Help: Biblical Advice on Counseling Friends in Need” by Dr. Harold Sala. In the preface, we read the following:
“More advice is given by friends than by all the psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors put together. And why not? Who is in a better position to give advice than a friend? After all, whose idiosyncrasies, temperaments, strengths, weaknesses, abilities, and even failures do you know better than your friends? Besides, we’re all more apt to take advice from a friend than we are to consider going for professional counseling.”[1] Even though the reader may not have specialized training in counseling, Dr. Sala believes that he can provide instruction to “help you do a better job helping people work through their problems.”[2]
In Chapter 1, Dr. Sala makes the following points:
1) The Bible is a guide for moral conduct.[3]
2) The Bible is countercultural.[4] Specifically, Dr. Sala writes, “God’s counsel runs contrary to our old natures and the culture in which we live. That’s something you must bear in mind when you counsel from the perspective of God’s Word.”[5]
3) The Bible’s precepts and principles apply to every situation in life.[6]
4) All genuine healing comes from God.[7]
5) Counseling from a Biblical perspective requires a working knowledge of God’s Word.[8]
In Chapter 2, Dr. Sala instructs us that:
1) Helping people takes time.[9]
2) When you are asked, “What do you think I should do?” reserve your comments until you are certain you have the complete picture.[10]
3) Be principled as you handle confidences.[11] As Dr. Sala states, “Nothing will hurt a friendship or destroy your credibility faster than breaking confidence with people.”[12]
4) Be patient with people.[13]
5) Be professional.[14]Even though you’re not a professional.
6) Recognize your own limitations.[15]
7) Nurture your relationship with the person you are helping.[16]
8) Rely totally upon the Lord as you counsel people.[17]
In Chapter 3, Dr. Sala gives advice regarding the first meeting with the counselee. He discusses the following:
1) When do you drop everything? And, when don’t you? Essentially, you will need to set up your own guidelines. With time, you will be able to distinguish when a call from someone you are counseling is an emergency or not.[18]
2) There are two sides to every story.[19]
3) Where to meet?[20] Look for a warm and friendly environment.
4) How often to meet?[21] It depends on the nature of the problem. The more significant the problem, the more meetings that may be needed.
5) What can your friends expect from you?[22] Dr. Sala tells the counselee 3 things:
a. I will do everything in my power to help you. But I cannot promise an easy solution.[23]
b. I will keep your confidence and you can trust me.[24]
c. I cannot help you unless I know where you hurt.[25]
In Chapter 4, Dr. Sala states that there of 3 goals of counseling, which can be summarized as what he calls, “The Counseling Process”:[26]
1) Phase 1: Exploration
a. Goal: Identify the problem. This leads to accepting responsibility.
b. What the counselor does: Listens, evaluates, questions, ponders, clarifies.
2) Phase 2: Encounter
a. Goal: Analyze the available options.
b. What the counselor does: Helps the counselee confront the consequences of each option.
3) Phase 3: Reconstruction
a. Goal: Discover and choose God’s will. For example, you may need to determine what is necessary to bring healing to a broken relationship. The counselee makes a decision on how he will proceed, and the counselor will provide loving support as the counselor helps the counselee follow through with his decision, no matter how difficult it may be.
b. What the counselor does: Motivates; guides through repentance and reconstruction.
In Chapter 5, Dr. Sala points out that you need to diagnose the problem but treat the whole person.[27]Specifically, he points out, “We tend to put life’s difficulties in neat little boxes that we label as ‘emotional problems,’ ‘physical problems,’ or ‘spiritual problems.’ One of the first things you learn, however, is that when someone suffers, though the primary cause may be more directly related to a particular one of these three areas, all three areas are going to be affected.”[28] He closes the chapter by stating that in order for us to come up with the proper diagnosis, we must be good listeners.[29]
In Chapter 6, Dr. Sala points out the Holy Spirit is intimately involved in the counseling process.[30] He goes on to discuss how secular counseling models differ from biblical counseling models. He states that:
1) Biblical counseling is God-centered.[31]
2) Biblical counseling recognizes the sinfulness of human nature.[32]
3) Biblical counseling follows the principles of God’s Word, the Bible.[33]
4) Biblical counseling results in liberation, not further bondage.[34]
He goes on to give us suggestions for handling the Scriptures more effectively. He states:
1) Don’t slam them with a Bible verse as soon as you hear what’s going on.[35]
2) Use the Word as a mirror.[36] Help your friend see himself as God sees him. Be gentle and don’t use the Word as a hammer. For example, when confronting the counselee with Scripture regarding a divorce issue, say, “Have you ever done a study of what the Bible says about expectations in marriage and how we should respond to them?,” rather than saying, “Don’t you know God hates broken homes and living with someone else makes you an adulterer?”
3) Use the Bible as medicine for the soul; God’s Word can heal the brokenness of our lives.[37]
In Chapter 7, Dr. Sala discusses how to use the Bible to counsel relationship problems. He states the following:
1) Healing broken relationships instead of dissolving them is working in harmony with God’s plan.[38]
2) Some conflicts are not caused by personal failure but are the result of living in a broken world.[39]
3) God promises to be with us in times of difficulty, not to exempt us from them.[40]
He then closes the chapter on the issue of forgiveness, that is, he focuses on the importance of forgiving others and forgiving yourself.
In Chapter 8, Dr. Sala discusses how to use the Bible to counsel emotional problems. Specifically, he gives Scriptural references regarding uncontrollable anger, irrational fears, pervasive worry, and depression and how it affects us physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Chapter 9 focuses on using the Bible to counsel addictive behavior. Here, Dr. Sala points out that dealing with addictive behavior is quite serious and you need to know your limitations as a counselor and friend.[41] Before we proceed with intervention, so as not to waste time and effort, Dr. Sala has us answer the following questions:
1) How will the individual respond to confrontation?[42] You must confront a person with loving firmness. Sometimes this may require “tough love.”
2) Is the person willing to face the consequences of his or her actions?[43]
3) Does the person have the desire to change?[44] Dr. Sala points out that they must want change.
4) Will the person be completely honest with me?[45] He points out that there is no use wasting time discussing lies.
5) Is the person willing to be accountable?[46]
6) Is the person comfortable working with me?[47]
He goes on to give suggestions regarding alcohol abuse, drug abuse, sexual addiction, and compulsive eating disorders.
In Chapter 10, Dr. Sala discusses the principles of successful counseling. He states:
1) Successful counseling is the result of persevering until a relationship has stabilized.[48] Specifically, he suggests that you don’t end counseling too soon, as the process of restoration takes time. As Dr. Sala writes, “No progress takes place in a straight line; people will make improvement, fail, try again, and fail again. Only when they stop trying altogether do they quickly begin to slide downhill in the counseling process.”[49]
2) Be empathetic and warm in your relationship with the people you help.[50] He points out that empathy is quite different from sympathy. He states, “Sympathy is closer to pity, while empathy means, ‘I care.’ To a degree, you hurt with your friend.”[51]
3) Discover the power of prayer in effecting change.[52]
4) Flow with the Spirit.[53] Dr. Sala discusses Galatians 5:24-25 and points out that “the word Paul uses, translated, ‘keep in step,’ means ‘march’ or ‘follow.’ As counselors, we need to remember that God is the parade Leader; we are merely His followers. As you pray, utilize the Word of God, and guide your friend into the path of God’s will, you are keeping in step with the Holy Spirit.”[54] Dr. Sala emphasizes that the counselor needs to be “filled with the Spirit, making Christ Lord of your life, allowing His Word to guide you in your personal life.”[55]
Finally, the appendix, written by Dwight L. Carlson, MD, contains information on when to recommend professional help. Dr. Carlson discusses that referral to medical professionals may be needed when people appear to be suffering from severe depression, panic attacks, psychosis or schizophrenia, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If a referral is needed, he also gives advice on selecting a professional therapist for the counselee.
[1] Harold Sala, When Friends Ask for Help: Biblical Advice on Counseling Friends in Need (Uhrichsville: Barbour Publishing, 2000), 9.
[2] Ibid., 10.
[3] Ibid., 22.
[4] Ibid., 24.
[5] Ibid., 25.
[6] Ibid., 26.
[7] Ibid., 28.
[8] Ibid., 28.
[9] Ibid., 33.
[10] Ibid., 37.
[11] Ibid., 38.
[12] Ibid., 38.
[13] Ibid., 40.
[14] Ibid., 40.
[15] Ibid., 43.
[16] Ibid., 45.
[17] Ibid., 48.
[18] Ibid., 52.
[19] Ibid., 52.
[20] Ibid., 53.
[21] Ibid., 54.
[22] Ibid., 55.
[23] Ibid., 56.
[24] Ibid., 57.
[25] Ibid., 58.
[26] Ibid., 63.
[27] Ibid., 94.
[28] Ibid., 95.
[29] Ibid., 106.
[30] Ibid., 110.
[31] Ibid., 119.
[32] Ibid., 120.
[33] Ibid., 124.
[34] Ibid., 127.
[35] Ibid., 129.
[36] Ibid., 129.
[37] Ibid., 130.
[38] Ibid., 139.
[39] Ibid., 140.
[40] Ibid., 143.
[41] Ibid., 175.
[42] Ibid., 176.
[43] Ibid., 177.
[44] Ibid., 177.
[45] Ibid., 178.
[46] Ibid., 178.
[47] Ibid., 179.
[48] Ibid., 203.
[49] Ibid., 204.
[50] Ibid., 206.
[51] Ibid., 206.
[52] Ibid., 209.
[53] Ibid., 211.
[54] Ibid., 211.
[55] Ibid., 211.