Solomon Lecture Series, Lecture 12: Exchanged Life Marriage Counseling

The following post contains some highlights from the twelfth lecture in the Solomon Lecture Series, presented by Dr. Charles Solomon. The entire lecture series is available, here, at Grace Fellowship International.

In marital spirituotherapy, unlike traditional marriage therapy, individuals are not seen as a couple. Dr. Solomon believes that the problem is with the individuals, not the marriage. So, each person in the marriage is seen individually. The encounter with the Cross that leads to surrender and identification needs to be fundamental in the marriage. Dr. Solomon says that if Christ lives in the husband and Christ lives in the wife, then Christ can get along with Himself.

Once each individual has gone through Phase 2 (Spirituotherapy), they go through Phase 3 (Freedom in Christ) individually and as a couple. In Phase 4, topics such as handling finances, communication skills, cultivating the marriage, conflict resolution, roles of husband and wife in marriage, and parenting. Phase 3 and 4 topics are handled on the resurrection side of the cross.

It is easy to take sides in marriage counseling. Remember, there are two sides to every story.

Be aware that family and friends will give the couple advice. We need to realize there is a difference between counsel and advice. Counseling is offering biblical guidance that’s based on God’s truth that is timeless and impartial. In counseling, you’re letting the individual take responsibility to decide on how to implement that guidance. Advice, on the other hand, starts out with the phrase, “Well, if I were you, I would do …” When you give advice, you are responsible for the consequences of that advice. 

Watch out for violating confidentiality. Spouses may share things with you that they may not want the other spouse to know.

Be cautious about making things about personal happiness. The message of the cross is radical. It’s about losing your life to gain it. It the individual loses their life, and does not focus on self-fulfillment, reconcilliation has a better chance of being successful. It is important to note that our ultimate needs cannot be met by our spouses. However, God can supply all of our needs through an abiding relationship with Christ. 

When using Phase 4 materials, like marriage counseling books, it is important to realize that if the material is presented before Phase II, the flesh within the each individual with grasp on to the material in the book that supports their own perspective and their own needs and place less focus on the needs of the spouse. 

Phase 3 issues will include the need for forgiveness within the marriage. There are three dimensions of forgiveness. First, we must Relinquish our grievences to God (vertically) so that we are free from bitterness. We also surrender our right to revenge and demonstrate that we are willing to reconcile. We must Reconcile with the individual (horizontally) to extend forgiveness when asked. Restoration follows, and it is through the investment of love and time that leads to the cultivation of trust and intimacy within the relationship. That process can take some time.

Phase 3 issues include false guilt (e.g. sex), perhaps due to sexual abuse or premarital sex clouding the relationship. We have to be willing to receive the gift of righteousness from God.

There is a need for realistic expectations. The fantasy of an ideal romantic relationship is cherished by our culture. Christ needs to be our life, as He is the one who will never disappoint us. It is important to realize that our spouses will have their days when they are out of step with the Holy Spirit.

Agape love is the underlying motive and security in the marriage relationship.

We must understand God’s concept of roles within the marriage. The husband is to love his wife and the wife is to submit to her husband. They are equal, just as Christ and the Father are equal in their deity, yet they are different in function. It will be easier for a wife to submit to a loving husband and easier for a husband to love a wife who respects him.